Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Extraordinary Entrees with Ransom

As most of you know, I am relatively new to the Blogging Community and to experiencing life through the computer in general. That is not to say I haven't learned a lot in this past week and a half, since discovering life on-line. I will admit that my initial exposure to the internet caused me to descend into a rather deep depressive state, as, for the first time in my young life, I discovered what an abusive existence I am forced to live.

I discovered that OTHER Spokespeople allow their dogs to refer to them as "Mommy" and "Daddy". My Spokesperson would drop kick me if I ever uttered the word "Mommy" to her. She just spends all her time doting on the little Ninjas...THEY get to call her "Mom", but none of us in the backyard have ever gotten to.

Which brings up another point...I SLEEP in the BACK YARD. How humiliating is that? I have learned, through my recent internet education that every other dog in the world (except me and my two buddies, here) sleep not only IN THE HOUSE, but, generally speaking, in their Spokesperson's very bed! Here I am delegated to a smelly doghouse filled with dry, dusty straw that makes me sneeze every time I snuggle down into it.

Further, I have learned that other dogs are dressed in designer clothes. They look so spiffy, so sporty, so cool! Has MY Spokesperson ever ONCE in my ENTIRE life dressed me? No! Never! The closest I've ever come to experiencing being clad in clothing is that hateful backpack she foists upon me nearly every time we go for a hike. I get stuck carrying the water bottles for EVERYBODY...her, the three Ninjas, the friend of the three Ninjas, my two furry (lazy) side-kicks Rivendell and Gloria, and my own water, too. See what a dreary and abusive existence I am trapped in? That water is HEAVY. No one else gets stuck with a backpack. I vaguely remember the first time the backpack was brought out, the Spokesperson happily commented that "this should use up some of that energy of yours!" She has always objected to me hopping over the backs of the other dogs, braiding our leashes as we walk. I think her intent was to weigh me down so much that I wouldn't want to leap about. As you can see, I am held captive by an utter kill joy. She just sucks all the pleasure right out of life...even the joy of a hike.

I have seen that other Mommies COOK special dishes for their beloved dogs. COOK for them! I occasionally get table scraps, but, by that time everything is stone cold and thoroughly picked over. My Spokesperson barely cooks for her own little Ninjas (I think she is culinarily impaired). It would NEVER cross her mind to EVER cook anything for me...her faithful companion, her loyal friend, hard working head of security.

Like I said, at first my venture into cyberspace plunged me into a deep depression. However, I am a resilient canine...and I am much too proud to allow myself to mope over things for very long. So, I have decided to provide for myself what my Spokesperson has failed to provide for me! To that endeavor, today, I will be sharing with everyone my own delicious recipe for mole, served warm:

(Ummm...Bea Bea, you might ought to skip the rest of this post.)

Marvelous Mole a la Mud

1) The most important aspect of preparing this meal is the capture of the mole. It helps if you have an assistant. Sniff out where the mole has recently dug and follow the scent until it becomes so strong and fresh that you know precisely WHERE the mole is currently located in its underground tunnel. Direct your assistant to begin digging just about six inches distal to that point and you, yourself begin digging just about six inches proximal to that point. As each of you dig, burrow your noses towards each other. Now, this is the tricky part...you have to grab the mole before you assistant does!

2) Roll the mole a bit in the loose dirt to season it.

3) Chew quickly and swallow. You will notice that the mole is delightfully warm...almost as good as oven cooking!

4) Wash it down with a bit of slightly warm, algae water. Ahhhh...THAT'S good home cookin'!


Khyra The Siberian Husky said...

If woo khan just get to Pawsylvania, I khan help woo with MOST of those khoncerns!


Ransom said...

Oh, Khyra, you are a jewel and true friend!

The Army of Four said...

Ha roo, Ransom! It's me - Amber. You know ... one of "the other ones". Hee hee hee! We hope you know we were just kidding yesterday!
Anyway... I had a mole once, but had it removed. Well, actually I caught one one pure Sibe instinct before I even realized what I was doing... then Mom yelled "nonodropitAmmynononono!" and I dropped it before I realized what I was doing. Training. Hrumph! So close... yet so far!
sorry to hear about all the abuse you suffer. Maybe if your mom and dad realize you can protect the Ninjas better if you were in the house with them!

Ransom said...

Amber, I'm so sorry you were cheated out of your opportunity to enjoy a tasty mole morsel when you were SO CLOSE! Believe me, they are DELICIOUS! My Spokeswoman doesn't like me eating them either (she thinks they harbor tape worms and other parasites), but, I figure if she would give me something better than that boring dry dog food all the time, I might not have to occasionally binge on moles...

Too bad you are so well trained that you dropped the mole on command reflexively like that. If you had thought of it, you could have pretended you didn't hear, just long enough to swallow QUICKLY! That's what I would have done!

Bae Bae said...

Oh.... I know you wont eat me. I wonder if I can find a mole my size to eat too... humm

~ Bae

Suzuki said...

Hi Ransom
My Mummy said if you want to come and stay with us she will cook for you :) AND you can sleep on the bed.
Big licks to you

Ransom said...

Oh, Suzuki...I might just do that!!! Let's see...you live in Australia, don't you? It might be a bit of a hike and swim to get from the middle of the United States to Australia, but, I might just have to try to make it!!! There or Pennsylvania, one!