Monday, March 16, 2009

Day FIVE of Confinement

Not getting any better here, folks. I did not realize how much I NEED those blessed breaks each day AWAY from the crazed Border Collie and the misfit Newfie. I think I miss my time in the Spokesperson's house more than anything else...well, maybe NOT more than our walks. sigh.

Been thinking a lot about that comment Ammy left a few days ago suggesting health benefits to the shaved belly thing. Turns out every dog that has ever lived with my Spokeswoman has had their belly shaved--EARLY. Yup...even the crazed Border Collie and the delusional Newfie....before them was a German Shepherd/Retriever mix and a German Shepherd-Collie mix and a paroled Rottweiler and a space-cadet Lab mix and and a Cocker Spaniel mix. All of them had shaved bellies by the age of three months. But not me...and here I am NINE MONTHS OLD. Hmmm...sounds a little suspicious if you ask me.

Add to that, I overheard that conniving Spokeswoman discussing having puppies summer after next. Excuse me! I don't think SHE'S gonna have them. I've already figured out that the Border Collie and the Newfie aren't going to ever be having any puppies. I'm not an idiot...I can do the math here... They think I am going to the have puppies? I don't think so! I don't want a passle of whiney little rats following ME everywhere I go. Do they think I have 'STUPID' tattooed across my head? I am a CAREER dog...not some wet-nurse. Don't they KNOW that I can't be tied down. I live on adrenaline, putting my life on the line to protect others. I can't be slowed down with ten or twelve little yelpy, whiney, needy pups! I didn't even like pups when I was one myself (just ask Gabby's Spokeswoman!). I am NOT the motherly type. Gabby is. Poor, shaved belly Gabby is overflowing with nurturing instincts and would be delighted to be tied down the rest of her life with a bothersome litter...but I have better things to do with MY life. And here I thought it was just pleasant happenstance a few months ago when the Spokesperson introduced me to Dexter. Talk about evil conniving! What a prize manipulator! If it weren't for the Ninjas, I'd blow this joint right now. And I have news for that sneaky Spokeswoman, I am NOT being party to whelping any pups a year and a half from now or EVER!!!!

Dexter...I sure do miss him...

14 comments:

Joey said...

Oh, Ransom, you definitely do not look too happy today. Maybe your Ninjas will come out and play with you later. I bet that would be fun.

Your pal,
Joey

Ransom said...

It's good to have true blue friends like you, Joey!

Khyra The Siberian Husky said...

Oh no!

Khan't woo join a PuppyLessByChoice Chapter near woo?

Good lukhk!

If woo were khloser we khome spring woo!

Hugz&Khysses,
Khyra

Gabby Pachis Susunaga said...

Dearest Loser.....you are a punk and if you really think that this beautiful babe would ever even consider joining you at your pad...YOUR WRONG!! As for being like our dad...I am happy that I am more like our dad than you are...you lazy bum...just look at your picture..doing what you do best.. NOTHING!! I want to be JUST like our dad...(except for biting the 'meals on wheels' people twice)...what can I say...he is protective! As for you ever having pups...are you kidding me??PLEASE!!! I would make a FAR better mother than you would ever even think of being!! Since I got put under the knife...I guess I will just have to adopt. If you do ever have pups...I hope they look just like me!! You are so ugly..no one would ever take a pup if they looked like your ugly mug.
Well..lazy loser...I hope it rains on you outside and those other punks dogs that live with you don't play with you after what you said about me. I am mad at you too--- for NEVER coming to visit me...I am sick of being the one to always come see you...and teach you tracking when I get there. Since I am now in solitary confinement for a least a two month span..just from a mear sprained leg (give me a break...our brother is such a big fat baby!!)I would appreciate it if you at least send me a dog treat in the mail every now and then...if they ever convict me of a felony and send me to the "pen" I guess I will not count on you for moral support...you always have been consumed with yourself and those creepy ninjas.
Better go for now and try and figure out how to get these shackles off me!!

Ransom said...

Whoa, whoa, whoa!!!....

What did those sweet, innocent, kind little Ninjas ever do to YOU?

I'm used to you lashing out at ME with hardly any provocation at all, but, my goodness, characterizing the Ninjas as "creepy" is totally uncalled for and shows how thoroughly out of touch with reality you are at this present moment.

Hon, have you been skipping your lithium again? Your Spokeswoman really does need to supervise you a bit more consistently...

Gabby Pachis Susunaga said...

HOW DARE YOU COMMENT about my lithium meds!!! That was between YOU AND ME you dirty wrotten scoundrel....now I know you and your patch work pack can not be trusted...with any info ever again as far as I am concerned.
I may end up severing our relationship when I travel North.. it will depend on how you treat me between now and then....I will tell you right now...YOU,Low Life, are not on my '10 most loved list' anymore!!

Ransom said...

Talk about ME spilling family secrets....what on earth were YOU thinking about blabbing all over the internet here about our father's indiscretions? He was a decent cop until he got all messed up staying undercover too long. I can't believe you TOLD EVERYONE about him chewing up those Meals On Wheels people. I thought we had agreed NOT to discuss that outside of the family. It is hard enough for dad to get his rent-a-cop jobs these days without you running around airing his dirty laundry! It was just a brief spat of PTSD....poor guy...he has plenty of reason to be suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder after what those underworld figures put him through...torturing him to the brink of death. If he mistakes one of those vicious looking Meals On Wheels octagenarians now and then for a Mafia Godfather, who could hold it against him?

Ransom said...

Dear Sis, the one thing I DO agree with you about is that, even as psychotic as you can be, you would still make a much better mother than me. Promise me that if I ever do accidentally wind up with a passle of pups, you'll take them off my hands?!

Oh, and I agree with you about our brother, too. I can't believe how lame he can be sometimes! Built like a football player but can't even stand up to two, sweet, gentle sisters like us...what a woose. (Hey, how do you spell "woose"?...is it woose or wus?... oops, talk about being out of touch with reality!...I can't believe I just asked YOU how to SPELL something! What was I thinking?!)

BTW--
Having any luck chewing your shackles off? Ha ha! You're just lucky they stopped at shackles and didn't add on the nice white jacket that makes you hug yourself!

You are GOOD MEDICINE...I will admit that! I feel better already tonight just getting to talk heart to heart with you like this!

Love you, you snotty, mean, little weasel!

Bae Bae said...

Oh dear... I think being a career dog sounds very pawsome.. You sure your spokeswoman can't have puppies??

~ Bae

Suzuki said...

Hi Ransom
Mum said the offer of you coming to live with us is still on the table. I can see what you mean about your sister now...
Big licks to you
Suzuki
xxx

Ransom said...

Hey, Suzuki...if I make a break for it, can I bring my three Ninjas with me? They don't hardly shed at all. They never chew on things that shouldn't be chewed on. They have really good house-manners...well, all except maybe the oldest. She does burp rather loudly, but I think that is just to annoy the Spokeswoman, so she probably wouldn't do it at your house where there is a REASONABLE Spokeswoman in charge. The medium sized one DOES eat a tremendous amount, but puts forth more than enough energy to compensate for so much consumption. He's a blur of activity almost 24/7...doesn't require hardly any sleep at all! And the littlest Ninja is highly entertaining. She knows all kinds of cool tricks to teach and she's loves leading long walks and is a proficient, dedicated groomer...

What do you think?

I figure if I started training the three of them NOW, by summer after next they ought to be proficient enough at swimming that we could make it from the middle of the United States to Australia where you hang out....

So, can I bring my Ninjas???!!! And...actually, could I bring Gabby, too? She isn't quite as obnoxious in person as she sounds on paper. And she's a lot of fun to fight with... Besides, I always look so much more intelligent and remarkable by comparison, when I stick close to her! (She DOES shed a LOT...and she digs...and she barks... Ummm...maybe don't mention THOSE things quite yet to your Spokesperson when you ask if we can come live with you!)

Ransom said...

And, Bae Bae...I'm totally with YOU!!! Let my Spokeswoman have the puppies if she feels the need to have puppies...but, don't pull ME into that whole mess.

I'm thinking about taking an outing on my own here in a month or two and sneaking over to one of those Snip and Clip joints... (because, just between me and you, being CONFINED for weeks on end is the absolute pits...and I have no doubt that being mobbed by a passle of pups 24/7 would be even WORSE!!!)

Suzuki said...

Hey Ransom!
Of course you can bring your Ninjas and your sister :) My Mum and Dad dont have any ninjas of their own but they have plenty of room fur you all. You and Gabby can even sleep on the Ninjas bed if you like. So I will see you next summer? What beach would you like to be picked up from?
Big licks to you
Suzuki
xxx

Ransom said...

Wow, Suzuki...you and your folks are the absolute COOLEST!!! I need to consult a map and do a bit of planning before I'll know which beach we're most likely to wash up on! I'll get back to you!!!