I think I've contracted the Swine Flu. It's my Hispanic heritage coming back to haunt me...leaving me vulnerable, when I least expected it. All morning long, my intestines have been snorting and snuffling and gurgling and growling like an entire herd of pigs greedily slogging through an oversized bucket of slop. My intestines have been so loud that the Spokeswoman even suggested I might be more comfortable in ANOTHER room...any room other than the one she was currently occupying. I know it isn't a pleasant sound, but she doesn't have to be that easily made queasy. How does she think I feel? It's MY intestines warring away in there!
I live with such an unsympathetic Spokeswoman. Here I am dying and her only remark was, "Ransom, I wish you would quit eating rotten moles." I'm dying and not only is she not mourning her imminent loss of the best security officer this home has ever had, she is insulting my cooking! Maybe if SHE would cook for me once in a while, I wouldn't have to scavenge together my own creative meals!