Thursday, May 21, 2009

The Problem with Ninjas

Don't get me wrong...I think Ninjas are terrific and I love them to pieces, but that isn't to say they are always a bundle of joy to live with. The problem first became apparent when I was eight months old (uhm, that would be three whole months ago!). I had finally come to the realization that I was faster and stronger than those tough, wiry little Ninjas, was only reasonable that I assume command. Afterall, I was born to be the leader! I was the leader in my litter. And, even at the tender age of 3 weeks, I already had decided not to take any guff off the breeder (that would be Gabby's Spokeswoman). I remember she was always sticking her face in mine wanting kisses. Most annoying! Finally, by the time I was three weeks old, my eyes were open, my legs were stronger, and I alone (of all the litter) had found my snarl. While the other pups, like Gabby and Vader complied with her insatiable need for kisses, I, alone, stood my ground. As her face loomed nearer mine, I took up the challenge and curled my lip at her and growled to give her fair warning. She was too dense to comprehend, so I had to BITE her, rather hard, I'm afraid, right on the NOSE. Believe me, she gave me a bit more respect and a lot more distance after that!

From the time we were born, my aggravating Spokeswoman had had a brother of mine picked out to take home for easy going, eager to please, very affectionate pup that had very dark markings similar to mine. I felt sorry for him, getting stuck with such an obnoxious woman, but, then one day, soon after all the other pups had been assigned homes, I overheard her and the breeder talking and to my utter horror, I realized they were talking about ME. The obnoxious Spokeswoman had decided to let my brother (her original pick) go to another home and had decided to take ME instead...acting all gallant about it, citing how I would be "more difficult" to find a good match for because of my "aggression/dominance issues". Idiot! Didn't she know that I was BORN for security work?...aggression and dominance are extremely VALUABLE traits!!!

So, it was my misfortune to be brought to the Spokeswoman's home. Fortunately, there were three little Ninjas there to soften the blow of my ill-fortune. But, even THAT silver cloud, it would later turn out, had a rusty lining. But, I am getting ahead of my sad tale!

I learned early to humor the humorless Spokeswoman. I am discerning enough to quickly recognize which battles are worth fighting and which are not. THAT surprised the pessimistic Spokeswoman. She had envisioned quite a war with me...but, I sized her up pretty quickly as being obnoxiously stubborn and just decided if she was that all fired set on being the "boss", let her have the title. I also surprised her by being an extremely QUICK learner. She was content. I, for the most part, settled into my fate without wasting my energy on regret. It helped that the little Ninjas were there. I LIKED them! Who knew, they, too, would wind up cramping my style?

Fast forward to three months ago. By then, I had grown faster and stronger than any of the little Ninjas and I KNEW it. The little Ninjas were great for the most part, but, on occasion they were a little ill mannered...particularly when it came to always grabbing stuff right out of my mouth! I'd be minding my own business chewing an a toy or eating some delicious tidbit and next thing I'd know, there'd be little fingers prying my mouth open to steal what I had! I put up with it for the first six months or so, but, finally, one day, I realized that I just couldn't wait any longer for the oblivious Spokeswoman to get around to teaching her little Ninjas good manners. The job was going to fall to me. So, I proceeded to do just that. The next time the littlest Ninja got in my face and proceeded to STEAL my chew bone RIGHT OUT OF MY MOUTH, I simply curled my lips up menacingly and snarled. Oh my goodness! You would have thought I had suddenly turned rabid or something the way that clueless Spokeswoman of mine came UNHINGED! She flew across the room faster than I've ever since that fat, old body of her's move, and the next thing I knew, my fur was flying and I was seeing stars and littlest Ninja was given MY chew bone! Littlest Ninja tried to give it back to me. Well, I wasn't about to fall for THAT trick! I turned my head away from the bone and did my best to keep away from it. Finally, Littlest Ninja talked me into taking it back. I was just beginning to relax and chew on it again when I heard the evil Spokeswoman whisper to Littlest Ninja, "Okay, Honey, take it from her again!" Well, I KNEW this was a TOTAL SET-UP!!! The moment Littlest Ninja's hand started reaching towards that bone, I dropped it like a hot potato and turned my head totally away from it so the Psychotic Spokeswoman would not be able to frame me!

Ever since that the Sadistic Spokeswoman has regularly instructed the Ninjas to take this, that, and the other thing out of my, sticks, toys, ANYTHING I have shown the least interest in KEEPING FOR MYSELF. It is so unfair!!! Of course, I have never ONCE, ever so much as let my lip twitch at one of the Ninjas for ANYTHING since that one horrific experience.
The Spokeswoman has crippled me in other ways, too. I used to charge every stranger, no matter how big or small, young or old they were, and threaten to eat them alive. I was quite impressive! Did the lunatic Spokeswoman appreciate how impressive I was? She did not!!! She made me practice over and over and over and over until she had dulled every warrior instinct in me. I am not allowed to growl at anyone. It is almost like she has carved my soul right out of me. Honestly, THIS blog is the only place where the old me still reigns triumphant. If you met me in real life, I am afraid you would be sorely disappointed in my mild disposition. It is sad.
I'm so "friendly" now, that the Spokeswoman barely even bothers to look up when strange children come running up to pet me. She trusts me implicitly to be gentle and friendly. I tried explaining to her once that I was BORN to be a SECURITY dog. I'd even be happy just to be a JUNKYARD DOG. She just smiled at me and said, "Ransom, I want you to train for Search and Rescue work--and you can't hardly tear apart the person you just tracked down--that would defeat the point, wouldn't it?" I guess I am resigned to my fate.

Which brings up to the other day when the two littler Ninjas, their cousin Annika, Cleo, and I went to the lake. Strange little people ran out to me to pet me and I was sweet and FRIENDLY (just like the Spokeswoman is forever harping for me to be). Then, Cleo and I found a wondrous treasure! Cleo let ME have it! I was just settling down to CHEW on the delicious fish skeleton, when I caught sight of the Littlest Ninja off in the distance excitedly running towards me, calling, "What do you have, Ransom?" I sat there for a moment and weighed my options. If I growled at her, the Spokeswoman would kill me right there on the spot. If I DIDN'T growl at her, she would STEAL my wondrous find. I could OUTRUN her...but, the Spokeswoman would surely call me back the minute I got very far away and then I'd have to turn right around, so that wouldn't do me any good. Then, the only possible solution dawned upon me. I would APPEAL to the Spokeswoman's ego by acknowledging her authority and appeal to her SENSE OF EMPATHY by SHOWING her my pitiful plight! So, I gathered up my treasure just as the Littlest Ninja was almost in reach and DASHED straight to the Spokeswoman! I sat down beside her, holding my treasure in my mouth and looked imploringly into her eyes. I was WILLING her to reign her Littlest Ninja in and not let her STEAL my wondrous treasure! I wasn't even using my hypnosis skills...I was just appealing straight to her heart. Except, I forgot the cold Spokeswoman DOESN'T HAVE A HEART!!! She glanced down at my soul-full deep brown eyes and said, "I don't think you should eat that, Ransom!" And in the blink of an eye, there was my wondrous treat sailing through the air, far out into the lake. I swam after it! I swam and I swam and I swam, searching the water in vain...but, alas, the wondrous treat had sank beneath the brown waters and I could not find it.


Khyra The Siberian Husky And Sometimes Her Mom said...

PLEASE don't turn into a Golden Retriever!


Wow - I might be even more skhared of woo now -


I know better!

Tank woo fur sharing the horrors of your life!

PeeEssWoo: Resistance is futile Resistance is futile...

Darcy said...

Ransom, I think that you will survive the horrid life of being walked, petted, and loved on just fine...and being friendly isnt that bad...your spokeswoman made me be nice as well..

Pamela, Kira and Scampi said...

Oh my , what a sad story. I think I would have swallowed the treat before I would have let them take it away. (I did that with a squirrel, Mom yelled to drop it so I did, just the tail, he, he he,) you are still growing and learning, there are ways to get around even the most stubborn and dominate of humans, you just have to learn how to be tricky about it. Make them think you are doing what they asked when you have already decided to do that.
Just a little older dog advice-Kira The BeaWootiful

Princess Eva and Brice said...

I totally understand your challenge. Somepup once said that my momma says "leave it" almost as much as she says my name.


Tweedles -- that's me... said...

What an incredible story. I would say you have been tested and tried and now a symbol of perfection.
Sad you lost your trasure in the water- that is depressing.
Nice story