Is it just me, or has the color drained out of the world?
Well, this is the way I figure it... when the color starts draining out of one's world, it is one's own responsibility to put some color back into one's world! So, with typical self-reliance, and pull-myself-up-by-my-own-boot-straps fortitude, I have decided to dwell this gray day on more colorful days that my life has been blessed by.
To that end, I have decided to spend my day in glorious reminiscence... Fondly reliving my most favorite moments in life...the times I have gotten under my sister's thin skin!!!
Let's see... I began blogging February 13th of this year. I zinged Gabby in my very first post by pointing out that I am "the stunning one" while my sister, Gabby is the "lazy one". (Even though that is totally TRUE, I knew it would still irk Gabs to read it!) Strangely enough, she didn't bite at first. Most probably, she just couldn't figure out yet how to leave a comment on the blog. She's slow like that!
I believe in always giving a fella a second chance, though, so the next day I began my paragraph with a few rather direct sentences:
"You know my litter-mate, Gabby, the prissy Prima Donna one? Well, I hadn't heard from her in a few days. I didn't think anything of it. She gets on her high horse sometimes and won't write or call. You say the least little thing and she gets her feelings all hurt. I never did understand how she could be so NEEDY."
Now THAT got a response out of her! Course, she was too illiterate to figure out how to use the computer on her own, but she covered that up by claiming it was the anesthesia fog! Yeah...like I believed that! Anyway her retort (as DICTATED to her Spokesperson) was:
"My Dearest Sister, I am in such a weak state that my spokesperson is having to write this for me. (Are those violins I hear violins playing in the background?!) Thank you for your concern for me...let what happened to me be a warning to you Sis. I mean I should have seen it coming when we drove up to that shady looking office..there were several people admiring how pretty I was...I know I am beautiful, but sometimes I just get sick of continually hearing it all the time. (The scary thing is, I sometimes think she actually believes this stuff!) I did not appreciate your snyde remark about that I am vain about my coat...you have always been so jealous that you can't see straight! (Well, I am certainly not jealous of your SPELLING!) I have always tried to encourage you in what very small skills you have...it is not my fault that I have always out-shined you. (Hmmm...I'm not jealous of her GRAMMAR, either!)
After my spokesperson picked me up from the near death experience place (Gabs has ALWAYS been this melodramatic. It's kind of entertaining when it isn't just plain irritating!) they tried to butter me up with some ice cream from Dairy Queen...very suspcious (gotta love the spelling!) if you ask me. The ONLY reason I ate it was because I was so starved for so long...I was very leary (rearrange this misspelled word and you can get 'early'!) of the two small bones on top...do they really think I am that stupid (heaven only knows why they MIGHT!!!)...I don't know what is in those things... Don't let them do it to you Sis....stay alert stay alive! This is what is really creeping me out...I heard people in the back ground saying it was SUCH a shame that a beautiful dog like me (please, I can only take so much before my gag reflex overwhelms me!) would never be able to have pups.....WHAT??? is that supposed to mean??? They did something to me (and you're JUST NOW figuring this out?)....DON'T LET THEM DO IT TO YOU!!! YOU MUST CARRY ON THE FAMLIY NAME!!! I must go for now...I must keep my strength up." (Right...Cue up those violins, again!)
For some inexplicable reason, I had a momentary lapse into tenderness THAT day. (Obviously I am over it now!) But, in all fairness, I will recount here, my sickeningly empathetic reply:
"Oh, dear sweet sister...I am still so utterly appalled that I can't quit trembling just thinking about your near death experience. Who would have seen it coming? And at such a tender age. I am so glad you are hanging in there and fighting your way back. I'll come visit you as soon as I can sneak the car keys away from the Spokespeople here.
"(And of course I will do my best to carry on the family name. I'll name every pup after you, sweet sister of mine!!!)"
I think I was sharing her anesthesia cloud when I wrote those last two sentences...I mean, I have absolutely NO intention of "carrying on the family name". I think that is why I can't stand my sister...her stupidity is CATCHING. You don't recognize it when you are in the moment, but something happens to you if you spend too much time in too close of proximity to Gabby--you start leaking brain cells out of your ears! Anyway, when I realize I am leaking brain cells out my ears, it really ticks me off and that snaps me right out of any sappiness I might have been sinking into! Unfortunately for me, it took me a bit longer than usual that time to comprehend I was losing brain cells by the moment. My brain loss oozed into the next day when I found myself writing (and thinking I truly MEANT) these words:
"Well...I'm just BUMMED OUT today. Sadly, it is all making sense now...my sister's sudden trip to the vet, I mean. I overheard my Spokesperson talking to her Spokesperson on the phone today. From what I could gather, Gabby is moving to ALASKA. As in NOME, ALASKA this Spring for a two year stint. She didn't even consider staying behind. She's like that. Where-ever her Spokespersons go, she thinks she has to follow. Can't believe she got stuck with Spokespeople who would up and move to ALASKA.
Gabby is all excited and happy to get to come along with them. I tried talking sense into the girl. I mean there are SLED DOGS in Nome...LOTS of them. They run in gangs and heaven help you if you are caught out in the open by them. I've heard they will all attack at once and rip you limb to limb. I can't believe Gabby is EXCITED about going. I mean I am the brave one...I am the vicious one...not sweet Gabby. I don't know what on earth has come over her.
The more I think about it, the sadder I get. She'll be gone TWO WHOLE YEARS.
I was being NICE to Gabs. Which, I think ticks HER off, because her very reply to me after reading the words where I was bearing my soul in such uncharacteristic fashion was to knock me upside the head (thus saving my few remaining brain cells) with these tender words:
"My Dearest Rans...First off (she doesn't waste time, does she?!) YOU are nobody and have have never been anybody. (Cool! I have HAVE got her STUTTERING!) YOU have always gotten all the glory for things that I have taught you (well, we certainly wouldn't suspect GABBY of having an over-sized ego, now, would we?!)...now we shall see what you can do alone (Umm....I've BEEN alone and on my own a whole lot longer than YOU have, Mama's girl Gabs! You NEVER did have the gumption to set out on your own. In fact, YOU stayed home so long, MOM had to leave! She started leaking too many brain cells out her ears to stay!) ...I mean your spokesperson is so lame (well, you do actually have a valid point, there.)....I mean...really Rans....
As far as me heading Norht (this is my ALL TIME FAVORITE misspelling! It makes me think of Khyra! (sorry Khyra!))...I will miss you terribly...and truly miss our time together...but fear not (oh it is coming on thick, now!)...I will write you VERY often to see how you are doing. I so very much hope I will be an Aunt someday and maybe adopt a little one (fat chance!)...since it looks like my caniving (hmmm...is that cross between a carnivore and a schemer?...a devious meat-eater?!) spokespeople tried to kill me (oh the DRAMA!)...I don't know if I will ever be able to have pups of my own!! (THANK GOODNESS for small favors! Can you imagine the mayhem of TEN little GABBYS running about?! Perish the thought!!!) Those dirtbags are never doing anything like that ever again to this beauty queen!! (she does SO love ADMIRING herself! You should see her gazing into her water-dish! Which is a good thought to keep tucked in the back of your head, should she ever come visit YOU...when you can't stand another moment of her, just casually walk her past a water dish and she will instantly freeze...mesmerized by her own reflection for a good hour or two. Believe me, THAT trick is a real life-saver when-ever she comes for a lengthy visit!)
My succinct reply was:
"Whoa, Gabs...such bitterness! I didn't think you had it in you!!! Maybe you WILL be able to hold your own up there in the wilds of Alaska!!!
PS (My spelling is better than yours!)"
Gabs wasted no time retorting:
"WHY DON'T YOU JUST BE QUIET ABOUT THE SPELLING COMMENTS!!!! (Look! I got her YELLING!) YOU KNOW YOU WERE ALWAYS MOM'S FAVORITE (Jealous, aren't we?!)...YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE OF US THAT LOOKED LIKE HER (BLESS YOUR HEART)... SHE EDUCATED YOU THE MOST BECAUSE SHE FELT SORRY FOR YOU!! (Umm...as I recall, she tried teaching ALL of us. It's just that I happened to be a heck of a lot smarter!) SHE KNEW THAT IS THE ONLY WAY YOU WERE GOING TO GET ANYWHERE IN LIFE..EVERYONE KNOWS YOUR LOOKS DO ABSOLUTELY NOTHING FOR YOU!!!!!! (I got under HER skin, didn't I?!)
I relished my opportunity to reply to the accusations she had hurled:
"Whoa, Gabs, dear! I never realized that under all that snootiness you had such an inferiority complex!
YOU looked like all the others. I wasn't going to point it out to you, but since you have admitted yourself that I am the only one who took after Mom, I guess it is okay to say it aloud...YOU are one of a dozen...just another cookie cutter carbon copy of Dad. I was the only one to inherit the beauty of our Latino blood. You are pretty, in a common way...but I am simply STUNNING...unusually STRIKING and ORIGINAL and UNIQUE (well, it IS the truth and someone might as well give voice to it!)...and, yes, I AM a better speller (duh!)...but not because Mom favored me, but because I am just naturally brighter than you are. (duh, again. I'm shocked I even needed to point that out...but, then, again, that just further illustrates the point, doesn't it?!) Sorry, sis...but those are just the brutal facts! (and I might add, OBVIOUS facts, to all but you, that is!)
BTW, when are you coming back down to the Ozarks to visit me? I've been trying to get my Spokeswoman to take me up to KC to hang out with you, but she always has her plate so full with those wild little Ninjas of hers...
Gabs couldn't think of a reply...(or maybe she couldn't get her Spokeswoman to take dictation for her, for even at this late point, she STILL hadn't figured out how to comment on her own!)...so, I finally wrote a bit more:
Gabby, you ARE pretty and sweet...in a soft, skin-deep, sort of way. I, on the other hand, am irresistibly alluring...my blood as hot as a scorned Latino beauty, hidden just beneath the deadly, delicate veneer of a Ninja's subtlety and silent stealth. (okay, maybe I was beginning to leak a few brain cells at this point...I will admit that.)
Poor Gabs. You haven't seemed to benefit from your Latino heritage and you have never had the benefit of living with Ninjas, like I have. Your beauty, though ever so common, is all that you have ever really had to hold on to. (Well, it is what it is!) All of which helps me to have a deepened compassion when viewing your shallowness.
Dear sister, a move to Alaska, might be just what you need. I hear that the male to female ratio up there is quite to your advantage!"
Unfortunately, my meddling Spokeswoman discovered my blog at that point and wrote this really mean comment (after reading it, you will better understand the unpleasant conditions of my daily life here):
"RANSOM!!! (She YELLS at me all the time.) I can't believe you are talking to your sister that way! Just to set the record straight, young lady, the Ninjas ALL (as in unanimiously) (she can't spell, either!) chose YOUR SISTER. But, because all the Spokespeople involved had serious worries over your deep-seated issues (people-aggression, dog-agression, and your propensity for eating hamsters, to name a few) (blah, blah, blah) decided that the Ninjas should take you home instead of Gabby...because YOU, dear dog of mine, needed the MOST intervention. (Right. Like anyone with half an ounce of sense would believe that!)
Now what is this about you "borrowing" my computer without my permission? You have to stop these sneaky, coyote ways of yours!!!" (She's always calling me a 'coyote'...she picked that up from listening too much to GABBY'S disparaging monikers for me.)
I had to sneak back into the house later that night to write my reply:
"Oops!...It looks like my humorless Spokesperson has discovered I have my own blog...
(Did I mention she is beyond rehabilitating? I'm starting to wish I was the one headed for Alaska.)"
Of course, Gabby had to jump back in with her own comments:
"Dear Lazy Bones Sister....
"I, on the other hand, am irresistibly alluring...my blood as hot as a scorned Latino beauty, hidden just beneath the deadly, delicate veneer of a Ninja's subtlety and silent stealth." (I'm impressed...her Spokesperson actually copied and pasted! I might mention here that GABBY is STILL at this point, relying on her Spokesperson to do all her typing for her. She is so lame!) Why dear sister I did not even know you knew what all those words meant!!
Listen here bacon bones you don't have anything on me!!
Gabby (She needs a little punctuation help! I think she meant "Beautiful Gabby", not "Beautiful, Gabby")
Well, I went about responding to each and every OTHER commenter that day, but made a point of NOT responding to my "beautiful" sister. But, near the end of the day, I realized that my "beautiful" sister is so stupid that she probably wouldn't REALIZE she was getting the cold shoulder without me directly pointing it out to her...so, I did just that:
"Oh, and "Beautiful" Gabby--I hope you notice I am giving YOU the silent treatment! So there!"
Of course, even if I am giving her the cold shoulder, Gabs always runs to me when she is in trouble. So, it didn't surprise me a few days later when I read these words on my blog:
"Hey Rans....well, I got in big trouble for digging again (does that surprise anyone?!)...I'm board out of my mind. (if she's so bored, you would think she would have time enough to open a DICTIONARY!) I need you, I miss you...come see me. (It's always the same with that co-dependent pup. Easy to see what drove MOM from the Spokeswoman's house...Gabby, the pup that wouldn't leave, was SUFFOCATING her to death!) What am I going to do in Alaska...when I can't see your lazy bones and I will not be able to teach you anything (can we all say "de.lu.sion.al"?)..since your spokesperson obviously does nothing besides pamper you and make you needy! (Has she even MET my Spokesperson? Pamper? That's a hoot! And as to accusing ME of neediness, can we all say "Pro.jec.tion"?!)
Oh my......anyway what was I saying..I really miss you.
Looks like because of my small (from what I hear, she dug out half the foundation of the house...umm...the HOUSE they are trying to SELL in this soft economy) digging incidence that I now will be in solitary confinement for the next two months...being neck tied to a tree with only a few feet to roam!!! ("neck tie" nothing sister, what you NEED is a straight jacket!) SAVE ME FROM THIS TORTURE!! I need to run...we must go tracking SOON! You need more help before I leave...and I guess I could use your company. My spokesperson all of a sudden is working a bunch more hours leaving me in the cold...and the male spokes guy...he is not very loving..just bosses me around and I am getting sick of it! I almost told him off but then again...I do need someone to feed me. (that Spokesguy she speaks so disparingly of, happens to be the nicest human I ever met! Gabby doesn't even deserve him!)
Anyway loser...I love you." (Oh, at LEAST the dumb dog finally figured out how to leave comments on her own, here.)
And THAT only takes us through my first week on the blog! We've only scratched the surface of the nasty comments my sister has left here! Ahhhh...reliving a good fight is almost as good as being right in the middle of the brawl while it's happening! This being stuck in the backyard business isn't so bad after-all...gives a pup time to look back fondly on her favorite memories!!! I can't wait to analyze the REST of Gabby's remarks! But, I think I'll save the rest to savor another day...