Sunday, April 5, 2009
Later, I decided that sometimes you just should humor these mal-adjusted grown-ups so that they will quit obsessing on the whole photo thing and move on to more enjoyable activities. So, I cooperated with Jean. Of course, the moment the forever-attention-seeking-Spokeswoman saw me softening, she had to jump in and try to get in the picture, too. Sheesh! I'd just about had enough of HER interference by this time (trying to yack the legs off of MY company when MY company really wanted to just play Flying Rabbit with ME)--so, I did what she hates most in all the world...I slapped a slimy, wet trail right across her face, too! THAT got her out of my hair for the rest of the day!
People are so easy to manipulate. I learned a long time ago that growling and snapping tends to make them even more resistant to guidance. The simplest way to direct people and keep them in line is by the giving or with-holding of affection. It works EVERY time. The secret is to correctly read what kind of individual you are dealing with. For example, Gabby's Spokesperson LIVES to be licked across the face. When I was just a teeny tiny pup, she was forever grabbing me up and putting her face in mine and cooing, "Give me kisses, little Black!" (That was back before I had a real name!) Well, when I was three weeks old I had had just about enough of her suffocating demands, so, I growled at her, quite fiercely the next time she stuck her big old face in mine. She isn't too smart. She just got all big eyed and said, "Did you just GROWL at me, Black?" Since she obviously needed remedial translation, I responded by BITING the end of her nose quite decisively. THAT kept her out of my face for a couple of weeks. She started leaving me alone and pestering the other pups in the litter instead. But, she is a slow learner, so, eventually, we were back at point "A" once more, with her holding me up and sticking her face right in mine, so, I again had to growl and snap her nose as hard as I could. THAT is when she and my Spokesperson decided I had "aggression issues". Can you believe it? Just because none of the other pups had the nerve to put people in their proper place like I did, they labeled ME as "people aggressive" and "dog aggressive". That is when the evil Spokeswoman took over and started treating me like I was in Boot Camp or something. When I tried protecting her from an untrustworthy repair-man, at the age of ten weeks, she hauled me off to obedience school. I was the only ten week old pup in the whole class...everyone else was at least a year old. You would think she would have at least taken me to PUPPY CLASS. They DO have those, you know!...nice places where you get to socialize and hang out with other pups! I would have ENJOYED that, but, NO...she has to haul me off to OBEDIENCE school. Well, the joke was on her, because I showed up all those other furry slackards. I was the best in the class and everyone ELSE saw how adorable and BRILLIANT I was...so that backfired on my vindictive Spokeswoman! I came out looking brilliant and sweet and precious and oh so amazingly mature, while SHE just looked like the tyrant she is!
It was about that time in my life that I discovered it is much more effective to manage people (non-strangers) with either the application of affection or the with-holding of affection rather than with overt aggression. (Strangers are still best handled with undisguised aggression!) Take my Spokeswoman, for example...if I really want to bug her, I catch her off guard with a big sloppy kiss right across her lips. That just grosses her out and totally redirects her away from whatever it was that she was doing before I discombobulated her ability to think by an intelligently applied expression of "affection"! On the other hand, for people like GABBY'S Spokeswoman, I would use just the OPPOSITE tactic. Gabby's Spokeswoman is utterly shameless...she will beg and plead with me for a kiss and offer her face over and over again. I look at her with wide-eyed innocence and keep my tongue firmly IN my mouth. The more she begs, the more confused I look. It is a delightful diversion in my day! I love it when Gabby's Spokesperson is feeling all needy and she comes to visit!
Posted by Mic at 4:20 AM